Rexall Begins

Through our various connections in the film and television industry, Slow Fresh Oil is occasionally able to get our hands on inside information and other pieces of Hollywood gossip. It's pretty rare that these insider tips have any relevance at all to what we do, but when it does, we're always glad to pass it along to the Oilogosphere. So with that in mind, below we have an excerpt from a Darryl Katz biopic that was apparently abandoned in the early stages of production after its financing was pulled. Slow Fresh Oil is not sure of the movie's current status or if there are any plans to resume filming at any point in the future.

Stately Katz Manor


Katz Manor sits perched upon its riverbank vantage, looking down on the river below. Moonlight shines onto dark clouds in the sky.


The study is adorned with fine furniture and expensive-looking artifacts. Among them is a wooden bust that appears to be of Mark Messier. Near the entrance is an intercom system. A window along one wall looks out into the night. A fireplace burns along the adjacent wall. DARRYL is seated in a modern leather chair, reading the newspaper. He is dressed in slacks and shirt, with a tie draped over the back of the chair. Next to him, on a side table, is a conspicuous red phone, placed under a circular glass case.

Darryl peers over the top of his newspaper towards the window. Noticing something, he stands up and we follow him over to the window.


Outside, against the clouds, is a large, oil-drop shaped spotlight being shone from somewhere in the city's distance.


The phone RINGS.

Darryl quickly strides over to the phone, removes the glass case, and picks up the receiver.

Commissioner Bettman. What can I do for you this evening?
Yeah, I just saw it. What seems to be the trouble this time? Is it that Penguin again? I thought that we had already dealt with him and that he would be staying retired for good this time.
Who then? Kings? Sabers? Lighting? Whoever it is, just say the word and I'll take care of them for you.
Look, Bettman, just come out with it.
You mean...that two faced lawyer-turned-evil? My god. Alright, I'm on it. You just make sure that if things get ugly, there aren't any innocent fans around to get hurt. Goodbye.

Darryl hangs up the phone. He walks over to the intercom, and presses a button. On the other end, we hear the squeaky voice of KEVIN.

What is it, Darryl?

Kevin, get up. We've got work to do. It's Burke. He's out of control.

Holy overreaction, Darryl. Why should we care about what that guy says or thinks anyways?

Because, Kevin, it's not up to us to decide when we're needed. Because there are hockey fans out there in trouble. Because he's the GM Toronto deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Either you're in or you're out. I'm leaving in five minutes. Tonight, I think we'll take the plane.

Darryl releases the intercom button and walks over to the wooden bust. He lifts its head to reveal a large red button. He presses the button, and the fireplace slides away to reveal a pair of fireman's poles. Darryl walks over, grabs the pole on the right, and slides out of the scene.



  1. If Burkey is Harvey Dent, then Cliff Fletcher must be, Ra's al Ghul, and Ron Wilson must be playing The Joker (God rest Heath's Soul). Phil Kessel is the obvious choice for The Scarecrow.
    I can only hope that they have a flash back scene of Tweedledum and Tweedledee, or course being played by non other than the Bashin Bro's, Shayne Corson and Darcey Tucker.

  2. I like the thought of Fletcher as al Ghul, becasue by that logic, the Flames would be the League of Assassins.

    I personally wouldn't honour Ron Wilson with comparisons to the Joker...Mad Hatter at best.

    How about these:
    - Ovechkin = KGBeast
    - Big Georges = Killer Croc
    - Chelios = Solomon Grundy

    And now that I think about it, maybe Burke makes more sense as Clayface.