Always judge a player by his cover

So: Patrick Kane is a felon.

You can throw around words like allegedly, exaggerated, and unconvicted, but we all know that those bruises on Jan Radecki's 60 year old mug came from somewhere. Luckily for the young star, Kane plays in the NHL, where off-ice indiscretions are preferred to be swept under the rug so that the game can continue to "grow" in the American market. This stands in stark contrast to other leagues where off-ice indiscretions are pretty much the only indiscretions that can happen. Bloggers, commenters, and journalists alike have been expounding on the situation since it broke, but Radecki's very intelligent lawyer Andrew Lo Tiempo has already begun the quieting down process, which can only mean one thing...

He's in EA's pocket.

Yes, we're all very familiar with the Madden Curse, but a little Slow Fresh Oil Investigative Journalism© reveals that an NHL Curse has been raging for the better part of the last two decades.

Peter Forsberg
By all accounts, the 97-98 season was another banner year for Foppa. The Swede put up 91 points, helping his team top the Pacific Division and coming in second in overall scoring. Sounds pretty great, right? But how would you feel if you accomplished all that, only to be ousted in the first round of the playoffs by a bunch of punks in copper and blue?

Eric Lindros
Coming off a dominating season (as many coverboys do), Lindros receives a series of concussions that would derail his career and nearly dies.

Chris Pronger
In similar fashion to Forsberg, Pronger has a career year, pulling in the Hart and the Norris, but the Blues are tossed from the postseason by a hapless Sharks squad.

Owen Nolan
Misses over a dozen games for injury and nearly a dozen more for this gem.

Mario Lemieux
After returning from retirement and leading his team to the Eastern Conference Finals in 2000, Super Mario followed that up by only playing 24 games due to his hip falling off and watching his newly-purchased team miss the playoffs for the first time in 12 years.

Jarome Iginla
Truth be told, not an extraordinarly bad year for Iggy, save an injury or two and some lagging production. But isn't playing for the Flames cursed enough?

Dany Heatley
I think we all know how this went.

Markus Naslund
Entire season cancelled due to lockout. Gee thanks, Markus.

Vincent Lecavalier
Nothing major, but Vinny came home from Turin sans-medal and squeaked the Lightning into the playoffs as an 8th seed. They lost out in the first round and watched some jerks levy the 8th seed in the West into a Stanley Cup Finals appearance.

Alexander Ovechkin
This schmo posted a career-low 92 points after appearing on the cover.

Eric Staal
at his own bachelor party, suffered a decrease in offensive production, and became part of the first team to miss the playoffs twice in a row after winning the Stanley Cup.

Dion Phaneuf
Career low 47 points and the whole having to be a Flame thing.

Patrick Kane
That leaves us with the mouthguard-chewing, cabbie-heisting Kane. If he does stay on the cover, expect to hear very little about the incident until the game is released. EA has as much interest as Kane, the Blackhawks, and the NHL in keeping this potential inferno in a controlled burn. Radecki reacted as anyone would to assault and robbery, and he will likely also react to the hefty settlement as anyone would: silence.

So spread the word! Warn your professional hockey-playing friends! Write your Member of Parliament! To appear on an NHL cover is an act of hubris that will result in the Hockey Gods' terrifying vengeance.

1 comment:

  1. I hope Bettman gets the cover next year. Or even better, follow the Madden lead, and put both Bettman and Balsillie facing off. No one would suffer from that encounter. Except maybe Ontario, but hey...
    fuck ontario!