Reasonable Artspectations: Massive Update Part II

Ryan Jones & "The Flow"

JF Jacques

I had zero inspiration drawing this one. Jacques, as is widely known, may be the least effective big man in NHL history. But he is big... So I went with that.

Liam "the Red Ox" Reddox

Obviously the opposite case here... Liam Reddox is a little ginger that works his bag off and gets great results. Yet he struggles for a regular gig while Jacques gets millions handed to him by the Organization for no return. Sigh.

That's all I have done for now, so stay tuned to twitter as I tackle the dregs of the Oilers forwards & on. As always, read Lowetide and take your vitamins.

In an effort to keep pace with the prolific blogger that is LT, most of these are pencilled, inked, and coloured in an hour or so. Previews and roughs will be posted on my twitter (lgwgreen). Scans and finished work will be uploaded here & my flickr whenever I get around to digitizing the damn things.

Project: Rebuild, the Prelude

Edmonton Oilers: last place team in the NHL. A team barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic team. The Oilers will be that team. Better than it was before...

Better, stronger, faster.
---

So our GM-cum-Oscar-Goldman has tipped his hand on deadline day and I can't yet tell if I'm at peace with it or in an intense state of denial. LT seems to think 2010-11 will bring another Fifty-Seven Million Dollar Team that does less slow-motion roof jumps and a lot more sucking. Truth is, Steve Austin was at the top of his profession before his rebuild; we, on the other hand, are at the bottom. And it's a looong way up.

With deadline day marking the actual start point of the rebuild, I'm going to start tracking the steps of Tambellini's quest for renaissance.

OUT
Grebeshkov
Visnovsky
Staios

IN
Jones
Whitney
Johnson

These are cap moves, plain and simple. Losing The Vision is a bitter pill, but Souray's season-ending infection ultimately sealed the Slovak's fate. We also get bigger across the board, which has been Tambo's mandate from jumpstreet and will likely be the rock he builds his church on. My biggest gripe has got to be the return on the Anaheim deal, case in point:

Petteri Nokelainen is a grinder on the wing(!) with size(!!) and a stellar two way game(!!!). He's young(!!!!) and comes with a bonus year for under a milli(!!!!!). Your man was obtained by the deadline wizards in AZ for a fourth. Did we even ask about him? Could Moreau, having scored 2G-1A (all SH) in 2 games versus the Ducks right before the Olympics break, gotten the deal done on a Whitney-Noke package? Ryan Whitney is what he is (lower skill∴lower salary), but it is a travesty that we missed out on an opportunity like the aforementioned Finn who would have been a need-filler, a cap relief, and a potential piece of the future.

Alas, here we are. The Captain remains on the sinking ship, which seems like just punishment. Thank goodness Steady Steve got hauled aboard another vessel, albeit that of a hated rival. For so long Staios was a trusty defender with true grit to spare and he's been given a chance to make a go of it in Cowtown. It'll be hard, damn hard, to deal with that flaming C on his chest over the next season and a quarter, but he's still overpaid and a step-and-a-half behind. I, for one, will cheer just as hard when one of our young bucks lines the fucker up for a hit, assuming he doesn't do it first.

With the deadline past, it'll be a season of casting calls and tryouts. A litter of unfamiliar jerseys skating uphill and looking every bit the non-NHLers they are, but at least it's something. We no longer have to cheer for the Oil to lose, we're going to be bad no matter what (though some of us may have been ahead of the curve in accepting this). The Blue & Orange will get throttled nightly, but Gagner will likely turn it on harder than he ever has (latter-half player, RFA year) and there's sure to be some pleasant surprises as players jostle for pecking order heading into the offseason.

Maybe after we soldier through this long-term rebuild, the Oil will be the ones hip-tossing Sasquatch... Proverbially-speaking, of course.

Billionaire Boys Club

As many of you know, the NFL season is in full swing. What does this mean for Oilers fans? Very little, except that Slow Fresh Oil was lucky enough to be the fly on the largest high definition screen in the world last night when a pair of billionaires mused over franchise ownership, new venues, and being rich as balls.


Arlington, Texas.
00:25 hours. September 21, 2009.

Jerry Jones and Daryl Katz lounge among the litter-strewn seats of Cowboys Stadium. They rest their feet on the seats in front of them and, at regular intervals, they pass what appears to be a cigar back and forth. The pungent smoke of Acapulco Gold wafts up towards the rafters as they talk quietly to one another. The following is a transcript of their conversation.

JJ: (inhales sharply as he passes the dutchy 'pon the left hand side)
DK: (accepts the blunt and looks admiringly at Jones) How did you do it, Jerry?
JJ: (while holding breath) I get Roy Williams to roll them for me. (exhales through nose and mouth, coughing violently)
DK: (also coughing violently)
JJ: (coughing)
DK: (coughing)
JJ: (coughing subsides, wipes tears from bloodshot eyes)
DK: (coughing subsides) No, no, I mean how did you manage to build this... This palace? (Katz motions to the enormous stadium)
JJ: 'This dump,' y'mean.
DK: (balks)
JJ: Ya seriously like this place? Hot damn, Katz, wanna buy it?
DK: (stops being fascinated by fingernails [as a concept]) Wait- what?
JJ: D'ya wanna buy Cowboys Stadium?
DK: But it's brand new!
JJ: Sure, for now. I've already started construction on an even bigger, more state-of-the-art stadium, with room for thousands more seats and innumerable amenities that you didn't even know existed.
DK: Like what?
JJ: Ever had a jet of air blown across the underside of yer coinpurse while you're drainin' the lizard?
DK: Can't say that I have.
JJ: Well, that feature's included in everyone of the in-seat toilets.
DK: In-seat toilets?
JJ: Damn straight, I know how sick people are of missing plays because of their mortal need to expel waste. My new stadium will make that frustration a thing of the past.
DK: Wow. Wow. Do you have any concept art?
JJ: Hell, I've got a Blackberry full of pictures. It's under construction out in orbit.
DK: Orbit?
JJ: Check it. (hands Katz his phone)


DK: That's no moon!
JJ: It's a space-station!
DK: Good Lord, Jerry. You're a madman...
JJ: Am I, Daryl? Am I? I'm funding the construction directly out of the maintenance budget for this hovel. Barring any unexpected wind storms, Cowboys Stadium will stand just long enough for me to finish the new one.
DK: It's like some grand, insane Ponzi scheme.
JJ: And how!
DK: Jeez... You're accomplishing all this... This... Majesty! And here I am, having a hard time replacing a 35-year old concrete eyesore. I'm an embarrassment to billionaires everywhere, Jerry.
JJ: Ya got that right. Those concourses are narrower than Tom Thumb's cornchute! My new stadium has an entire Costco in the concourse. On every level.
DK: Man... (begins to sulk)
JJ: (puffs on the blunt nonchalantly) Cheer up there, Katz. I'll let you in on my foolproof strategy for building enormous monuments to humanity's rampant materialism.
DK: Really?
JJ: (nods genially)
DK: Aw shucks, thanks Jerry! So what's the first step?
JJ: Well, I assume you've already leveraged the media into being your mouthpiece?
DK: Yep.
JJ: Good. Next step is to bide your time until the city elections, then contribute to the campaigns of each candidate. Whoever wins, you're set up to coerce them into publicly supporting your new arena plan.
DK: Easy enough.
JJ: I know, right? Then, all that's left is to bribe enough Councilors to pass public funding of the thing and you're on your way. Just make sure you lowball the initial estimates, so you don't have any immediate public outcries. By the time it's half-built, you've got 'em hogtied into finishing the work at any price.
DK: Whoa. That's it?
JJ: Simple as sweet potato pie, Daryl.
DK: I'm damn near halfway there!
JJ: Good on ya... As long as ya have the balls to finish it.
DK: No worries, Jerry. That city is my bitch!
JJ: Sure is a great feeling, ain't it? HAHAHAHA-
DK: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
JJ: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
DK: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
JJ: -HAHAHAhahahaha-
DK: -hahahaaaa-
JJ: -aaaah. Ha. Ahem.
DK: Whew.
JJ: (hands Katz the blunt)
DK: (takes a long drag)
JJ: You wanna go up to my luxury box and play Halo on the giant HD screen?
DK: Do I ever!

The two billionaires proceeded to race up the stairs, shoving each other playfully as they went. Much p0wnag3 and Master Chief teabagging ensued.

There it is, folks: another startling look behind-the-scenes of Oilers, Inc. brought to you exclusively by Slow Fresh Oil.